


When Words Fail

by aflawedfashion



Series: Moving Forward - Amanda & Irisa Post-Season 3 [1]
Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Angst, Family, Female Friendship, Friendship, Gen, Post-Series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-25
Updated: 2017-07-25
Packaged: 2018-12-06 15:00:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11603040
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aflawedfashion/pseuds/aflawedfashion
Summary: On a dark, peaceful night, Amanda and Irisa take a moment to look at the new arch in the wake of Nolan's disappearance. Set very shortly after the series finale (before Nolan comes back - because he always comes back).





	When Words Fail

Irisa loved working the night shift. She loved the smell of the air and the way the the moonlight bounced off the arch. At four in the morning, the town was quiet, peaceful, hers. As she walked through a narrow alleyway, she felt like she owned the entire town. 

She took a deep breath, letting the cool air wash over her. It was a perfect night. Perfect until she saw Amanda standing alone, looking up at the illuminated arch. With her eyes turned to the sky and a delicate light bouncing off her face, she looked like she had stepped out of a painting. 

Irisa’s stomach clenched, but she kept walking. Amanda’s hair was loose, flowing down her back in the waves left behind from her braid. Her arms were wrapped around her waist like she was curling in on herself. The facade she normally wore was replaced with a haunting vulnerability.

“Amanda?” Irisa asked as she stepped out of the alley, joining Amanda in the moonlit street.

Amanda turned, her eyes widening with surprise as she met Irisa’s gaze. “What are you doing out here?”

“Night shift,” Irisa answered, searching Amanda for signs she was drunk or back on adreno. It wasn't like her to be out alone this late.

Amanda smiled, the faint lines around her eyes revealing themselves, unhidden by the makeup she normally wore. “So you really do work those.”

Irisa returned the smile, grateful Amanda seemed to be sober, probably more sober than the last time she saw her. 

“I didn’t make it up,” Irisa said, remembering the night she had slipped out of her home, excusing herself by claiming to work the night shift so Amanda could be alone with Nolan. 

“But it was a lie that night.”

“Yes.” It wasn't even a good lie that night, certainly not one worth maintaining.

“I knew that.” A strange, sad smile flickered across Amanda’s face. She was looking in Irisa’s direction, but her eyes were unfocused. “I heard you coming up the stairs after we went to bed.”

“You seemed like you needed to be alone.”

“We did. I miss that,” Amanda said. “I had him to turn to in the middle of the night, the person, not an arch.” Her voice grew quiet as she finished her sentence, like she realized halfway through speaking that she was admitting something she shouldn't, admitting her vulnerability.

As it hit Irisa what Amanda was doing out so late, her heart raced. She wanted to jump to action, to make everything right, but she was helpless. She couldn't throw a knife at this problem. All Amanda wanted was to talk to Nolan, but he was gone, and Irisa couldn't bring him back to them. Before Irisa knew what she was doing, she had her arms wrapped around Amanda, burying her face in her shoulder. It was the only thing she could do.

“I miss him too,” Irisa whispered. She had been telling herself that she was fine, that Nolan was fine, but deep down, there was a part of her that was in just as much pain as Amanda. Irisa worked hard not to acknowledge that part of herself. Acknowledging it felt like giving up on Nolan, and she refused to ever give up on him. The most she could say out loud was that she missed him.

Amanda squeezed Irisa against her, and they stood wrapped in each other's arms with no sense of how much time had passed. Ever since Nolan left, Irisa felt bonded to Amanda in a way she never would have expected. Amanda was her family now. A family forged in loss and loneliness. They held each other until Irisa’s heart rate returned to normal, until they reached a silent agreement that it was ok to let go.

Amanda squeezed Irisa's arm as she pulled away. “I kick myself every day for taking it for granted that he would be here, for believing that even if he left, he'd always come back. I never thought he’d go to space.”

“No one could have guessed that.”

“No.” A smile made a failed attempt at forcing itself through the sadness on her face. “But I should have told him how I felt the day you two came back from the mines. We had all that time together with nothing standing in our way, and I wasted it.”

“You didn’t waste it. I’ve never seen him closer with anyone.”

“No, I did. I wasted it all the way up to the end.” Amanda looked to her hands. “Before he left we… started something again, and he wanted to talk. He gave me the chance to say everything I should have said, but I refused to say goodbye. I wanted everything to be perfect when I told him. I couldn’t fathom a world where he didn’t come back.”

“It’s barely been two months since he left. He can still come back, and when he does, you can tell him how you feel. The two of you can be so sickeningly sweet that I’ll hardly stand to be around you. You can smile and be happy, and we can have breakfast together a million more times as a family.”

“Don't,” Amanda pleaded, her eyes heavy with sorrow. “I can't talk about this, ok. Not yet.”

“When?” Irisa asked. 

Amanda shrugged.

Irisa tried to bite her tongue and respect Amanda’s wishes, but she couldn’t stop the words from tumbling out of her mouth. “You said you thought he was dead. You don’t really believe that, do you?” Irisa turned her entire body to face Amanda. “Tell me you don’t believe that.” She knew she was begging, that she must have sounded desperate and foolish, but she didn’t care. Amanda’s opinion was too important to her.

Amanda shook her head, her face contorting as she tried to answer, her voice lost in her throat.

Irisa pushed away her own tears and squeezed Amanda's arm. “I’m sorry.” 

“Me too.” 

Irisa nodded. “Is this the first time you've been out here to see it at night?” she asked even though she wanted nothing more than to make her talk about him, to make her believe he was ok. The new arch hadn't even been up two weeks, but the whole town knew Amanda was avoiding it. Her absence at the unveiling did not go unnoticed.

“I've only seen it through my window.”

“It's beautiful.”

“Doesn't it hurt you to look at it?” Amanda asked. 

“No.” Irisa knew the answer Amanda wanted, but it wasn't how she felt. “I like being able to look up and see a reminder of him. I can picture him rolling his eyes and shaking his head at the idea he's worthy of some grand memorial, and it makes me smile.”

“It kills me,” Amanda said. “I have things to do, a busy life to live. I don’t have the luxury of being able to think about him every time I look out my window, so I just stopped. I stopped looking out my window. I stopped looking up when I walk through the streets.”

“I’m sorry.” The words felt useless and wrong even as Irisa's said them. She could practically feel Amanda's pain radiating off her her. What was she supposed to say when she knew words were pointless?

“Thank you.” Amanda forced a smile onto her face that almost seemed genuine, and Irisa wondered how she could do that, how she could make her face lie. 

“For what?”

“For standing here with me.” Amanda turned back to the arch, but Irisa kept staring at Amanda. She knew she should look away. She had been informed repeatedly that it wasn't polite to stare, but she couldn't take her eyes off of Amanda’s bare face. Irisa rarely saw her without makeup, rarely saw her when she wasn’t working, rarely saw her this raw. 

“Are you ok?” Irisa asked. 

“I’m fine,” she answered without hesitation, without honesty. The perfect politician.

“Berlin says you don’t talk to her much anymore, not about anything real. She says it feels like you’re pulling away.”

“She’s right.” Amanda nodded. “I am.”

“You need your friends.”

“I know, but I don’t have anything to say to anyone right now. You can tell her not to take it personally, and that I'll be fine eventually, but right now I’m just… I’m just out of words to say, out of… I’m out of feelings. I’ve lost too many people. Every time I care about someone, they die, and a part of me goes with them. I don’t have anything left to give.”

“You don’t have to give anything.”

A heavy silence hung in the air between them for a moment before Amanda spoke. “I know what you want me to say,” Amanda said without turning to face Irisa. “You want me to speculate about where he might be and when he will come back. You want to convince me everything’s ok. I’m sure you have all the best arguments ready to go, but I'm just not ready for that conversation.”

Irisa finally followed Amanda's gaze to the arch as she reached for Amanda's hand. She felt Amanda's fingers clasp her own, squeezing them tightly. The simple gesture meant more than any words could.

“Do you want to get breakfast?” Irisa's asked. “It’s pretty much morning now.” 

Amanda nodded, still looking up at the arch. “Yeah, I do.” 

**Author's Note:**

> The memory they discuss comes from this fic: [ Her Family ](http://archiveofourown.org/works/10850703)


End file.
